Coffee With Chloe - Issue 4

How's your week been? Mine has been pretty hard, the worst week I have had in a long time & I don't want this to be a morbid post but I think sharing this with you will help everyone to see that it is ok to have a bad time, unfortunately you will never not have bad times in your life, but it is how you bounce back from these times that is the true testament to how much you have grown & how far you have come.

Something happened at the weekend that knocked me for six & this week I have been lost in feeling like a scared child again (I don't think reading My Dark Vanessa has helped) I've been struggling thinking maybe I am a bad person, maybe this is all my fault, maybe I've deserved all the bad things that have happened to me in my life. I've been walking round in a bit of a daze really. I've been angry at myself & people who used to be apart of my life. That one chance meeting could set me back & make me question everything.

On Wednesday one of my very best friends sent me a message asking how I am and that she missed me, I don't usually reach out for help but she text me at the time I needed her the most (she must be psychic) I'd been torturing myself all week internalising all these feelings when really I could of just bloody reached out & asked for help before. How incredibly stupid of me not to, because when I got off the phone all those fears about being a bad person had disappeared & melted away. I married my best friend Gareth but he's a man, their minds work differently to ours. Their answer is "just forget about it" if only it was that easy for us haha. I know he loves me and he struggles to think about what has happened to me so it's hard for him to dissect the hard parts of my life because it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. My friend knew all the right things to say, she made me see that what happened at the weekend is still abuse, she made me see that I was a child when these things happened & it wasn't my fault. I will be forever grateful for that message coming at that exact time when I needed it the most.

So my point is talk to someone, talk to a friend, talk to someone who is neutral, talk to someone who isn't tied so closely to you but still loves you so much. If you feel like you don't have someone like that I am always here as well. I don't ever want anyone to feel how I've felt this week & anything I can do to help anyone I absolutely will do. We need to help each other & realise the things we have been through other people have probably been through the same thing or similar & we can help each other heal. You are not on your own. Please always remember that.

I was going to say enough of the morbidity but it's actually not because of this bloody book, grab your coffee & buckle up because this weeks issue is unfortunately going to be rough but you know what that's ok because sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can build ourselves back up

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Healing

Why are we kind to other people, but not to ourselves?! Why do we give great advice to our friends but don't take it ourselves? I am literally the biggest culprit & this week has proven this to me so much. I've been vile to myself, I've blamed myself for things that absolutely were not & are not my fault.

The words we say have so much impact on our lives, how we treat ourselves has so much impact on our lives probably more of an impact than any outside sources. We have the power to change our own lives & mindsets but we choose to treat ourselves so badly. Sounds insane right?! We all do it though!!

We need to change what we tell ourselves because our own voices are the biggest voices we will ever hear. Our own thoughts infiltrate our minds so much we can't hear anyone else telling us otherwise. Imagine looking at your child or your friend & saying "You fucking idiot why are you so fucking stupid" "You are so disgusting, it's no wonder everyone hates you" I mean you just wouldn't do it so why the heck are we doing it to ourselves.

Imagine how much you could achieve in your life if you spoke to yourself the way you speak to your friends when they need you? Imagine how happy you could be if you told yourself you were fantastic every single day. If you had confidence in yourself & who you are. You didn't hide any part of yourself because you weren't scared what other people thought of you, you didn't dim your light because you were scared that people would think you were full of yourself. Be full of yourself, don't dim your light for anyone, take control & do what you want to do & you love. The people that don't like that don't need to be in your life. You need to live your life for yourself & be unapologetically you!!

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Wellbeing

This week I have been only drinking water, well actually I tell a lie (Sorry) I have had a cup of tea or coffee here & there but no fizzy pop which was my main goal. I've not been feeling great & I needed a comfort drink, but I knocked pop on the head & that was my main goal for this exercise.

Even though I've not been feeling great I have felt the benefits. I've been sleeping better & I do feel more energised because I haven't had a sugar crash. I've also not been craving junk food or snacking as much which is amazing for me because I am a real snack fiend. I was on my period as well so that's amazing because that's the time of the month you crave rubbish so much more.

I feel cleaner, less groggy & sluggish. My skin is glowing & I haven't had the spots that usually pop up around this time of the month. I would be able to give up coffee & tea if I actually wanted to but I don't. I love that feeling a hot drink gives you especially in winter. I am absolutely saying goodbye to fizzy drinks though. I give you permission to knock any bottles of coke you see me with out of my hand & give a swift slap to the back of the head.

I had a beautiful message from someone that came for Reiki a while ago & she was asking me about shadow work. It's been something I've been looking into a lot recently & her asking me about it gave me the boost I needed to take action. So over the next week that's what I am going to be working on & I will let you know how I get on next Friday.

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Crystals

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What's Good This Week

If you are not strong enough yet in your healing journey I do not suggest reading this book. I have always felt like I was over my abuse but this book brought it all flooding back. I was angry & felt sick the entire time I was reading this book & I wanted to do a Joey & put the damn thing in the freezer never to be seen again.

It's such an incredibly hard thing to read but I am glad I persevered with it even when I wanted to give up especially after the weekend. It has given me the strength to do what I need to do to put my demons to bed once & for all.

If you've never encountered abuse of any kind you will not be able to fully understand how Vanessa's mind works, you'll just think what the hell is this girl on & if you have been through abuse it's a hard thing to read because you will see yourself in her & it's quite horrifying that you can sort of relate to her in some ways.

The book is well written, if a bit disturbing at times. I will give it a 6/10 only because it brought up too many bad memories for me. My client who suggested it said it needs trigger warnings & I'll admit when she said that I was like meh how bad can it be, but I will admit she was absolutely right. Proceed with caution.

I am still reeling from this book & I need something much lighter for next week. I haven't quite decided but I am going to take today to think of something & I'll post on my stories what I've decided later.

I hope you all have the best weekend. Here's to a better week. I can't wait to catch up with you all on Friday again.

Love Chloe xx

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